


Oblivious

by Rysie



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 09:08:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29806140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rysie/pseuds/Rysie
Summary: Under circumstances of which she is not proud of, a girl from the Underground managed to escape the city of darkness. Out of awe, she decided that she would start a new life above and let her long-awaited dreams become reality.But the story doesn't end there. Because the moment she believed that she had finally left her old life behind, suddenly a boy reappeared in her life. A boy...or better put a man, whom she thought she would never see again.However, times change and so do people. And the girl of yore not only wears a new hairstyle, but also lives under a new name.Will Levi ever  find out the truth about who is under this self-made mask?[Summary changed]
Relationships: Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Original Female Character(s), Levi Ackerman & Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8





	1. The world through the eyes of a child

**Author's Note:**

> The story is written from a children's perspective for the first few chapters. So to speak in the past.
> 
> Be aware:  
> -English is not my first language  
> -The story is guided by the manga mixed in with a lot of Uncanon stuff that I made up  
> -The POV of my OC will always be in first person and the POV of Levi in third person.  
> -Major Warning: sensible topics are referred such as:  
> -violence  
> -abuse (mentally/physically)  
> -prostitution  
> -Trauma  
> …..  
> (IF YOU DON’T FEEL COMFI WITH SUCH TOPIC’S PLEASE LOOK AFTER YOURSELF AND DON’t READ THIS STORY)

We _grew up in a place where darkness followed everywhere. A place where the warmth of the sun barley reached our slik innocent skin. Coated by a cave, we only knew the cold rocks that reached up to the veil. Separating us from the outside world._

_The City of Darkness offered no opportunities. Few jobs, less payment. People grasped for all that they could get._

_Inconsistency, hunger, thirst, cold. This was our everyday routine._

_Few called themselveslucky to have a roof over their head. More cursed their lives for having to sleep on the filthy, pissed and full of excrement streets. Waiting until death finally release them from suffering._

_People helplessly became victims of their own dignity. It either meant die or survive. Even ifsurviving led for some to crime. There was simply no other way to feed themselves and their families. If someone outside would ask if the people in the Underground knew what they are doing was wrong; probably everyone would answer with yes; But what to do? Is the wish of living a sin?_

_However, we still called this place our home. Although it never felt like one. Not once dreamed we of escaping. Building a happy life above.  
Where the rich and healthy one are living. Be able to feel _ _the warmth of the sun on our tickling skin on a daily basis, isn’t that right Levi?_

_But Time change. People change. So did you and I._

_~o~_

_The world through the eyes of a child_

It was a day just as every other. Father and I headed to the dumping ground, looking for junked valubes that people from above had thrown down to us. It was a blessing and a curse at the same time that the rich ones kept doing so for eternities.

A blessing because father and I often had luck and found things we could sell for money or somethingfor our everyday needs. And a curse because rats and other dangerous things lied between the trash.

Once father got sliced up by a broken glass so badly that his wound inflamed.

With no doctor nearby, we had to pray everyday that pouring pure alcohol over the cut will be enough to soothe the wound and thankfully it worked out.

Rat bites are also not that harmless. In addition to the fact that a bite hurts terribly, there is also the risk that the small animals also transmit diseases. Diseases where pure alcohol is for sure not enough.

Although the dumbing ground was spot as a dangerous place, that quite a lot people avoided, did I enjoy this place.

The reason was simple, yet so very worth it. At the top of the ceiling was a large hole that the rich used to dump their trash. No. The garbage isn't the reason. But the few light rays of sun that came through and tickled on the skin when we were in the right place at the right time.

Father explained to me that people above bath in the sun in the hope of getting a tan. Being tan is a remark for healthiness and the sun some kind give us human beings vitamins that we need for living. Vitamins that we, people in the underground, are withheld from. That’s part why we all look so pale and ill, father explained. Unfortunately the lights that are burning day and night over the Underground is no replacement for the sun and so people are getting over timebad legs, which refuse to stand.

To prevent that from happening to me, father always dragged me with him when he went to work. He thought that at least I would get some sunlight and vitamines in order to grow tall and strong. But I knew there was another reason to it too, a reason he would not open heartily admit. Father’s legs got bad overtime too and he needed my help to carry all the things we can find in the heap of trash.

The two of us strolled through the alleys with large sacks made of old bedclothes.

Walking through the City was the worst part of fathers job.

Being confronted with every step we take that we are living in a pitiful place it not quite that enjoyable. In every corner blood taped on the crackling old walls of houses surrounded with bottles of alcohol, dead corpses and emaciated, begging people.

Father reached out protective his hands to my shoulders and pulled me closer to his body. He despited the view as much as I did. There are only a few people who actually kept their will to life. Those people tried to get by either with pilfering or in a good way with selling products as we did.

As we reached a small subway, away from the people father asked: „Are you alright, Ciri?“

I nodded. Though I'd prefer to be in the dump now.

„What do you smell Dad?“

The brown head scratched the back of his head.

„Alcohol. Moldy food and wet people.“

„How does moldy food smell like?“

„Just as it looks like dear, like vomit.“

„Hmmm.“

Father ruffled through my hair. „I think it is time for a hair cut once again, when we reach home. Wacha say?“

„Noooooo.“ I sighed. „They just got so long.“

A faint smile appeared on his pale face.

„That’s the reason in first place, dear.“

„When am I actually allowed to let my hair grow?“

„Hmmm. Let me think. When you are 16.“

„16?!?!? I will be an old woman by then!! Wait… this means.. I am 6 right now..that means I have to wait …1….3…5….8…“

My hands served as a calculator as I tried to solve the difficult math.

„10 years.“

„10 YEARS!“

Father laughed out loud. „Ten years, until then you have to endure your sweet haircut just as it is.“

„You know, that they will call me names again.“

„Ah, really? For example?“

„Tomboy.“

„And who is saying that?“

„Eric and Alphonse.“

„They are just saying that to get your attention. Bet they are secretly in love with you! I suppose I need to talk a serious word with them.“ Father chuckled.

„You are talking nonsense.“

„Hey. Watch out how ya talking to your father,dear!“

„Hmpf. But it is true, I look like a boy with this haircut.“

I took a strand of my auburn hair and absorbed them more precisely.

„Didn’t you told me that mother had beautiful long hair? Why am I not allowed to wear them like mother??“

Father sighed.

„There will be days when you have to walk the streets alone. It's just safer when people think you're a boy.“

„Why is it like that? Why do I have to fear walking alone through the alleys of the City only because I am a girl??“

„Cecilia. Dear. Look around. What do you think?“

„It's mean that people think that just because I'm a girl I automatically have to be weaker than a boy.“ I huffed.

„Suffering is not a competition. Nobody is saying that life as a boy isn’t as dangerous. It is just…that…being a boy… especially in the Underground has it own….benefits…I guess it is the right way to explain it.“

„I still don’t get it.“ I crossed my arms.

Father squeezed me closer to him.

„And I hope that this will remain.“

I bit in the right corner of my lips and nibbled on it. Sometimes father just said things I couldn’t understand and when asking about the meaning behind his words he mostly says things like; _„yeah, be glad you don’t understand“_ or _„once you get older you’ll understand.“_

I hated those phrases.

Slowly we approached one of the gates that led to the outside world, guarded by four men.

The group scared me, since they are armed with guns.

I grabbed the hand of my father and I squeezed it tight as I pressed my eyes together to conscious ignore those people who lied on the ground, heavily breathing.

It may sound terrible, but the sight of watch people dying was much worse than seeing motionless loans.

„Endure. We are almost there, dear.“ Father whispered in my ear.

„Mhm.“ I said quietly.

And he was right. In the next few minutes we had already reached our goal.

„Do you have your boots with ya?“

Instead of answering I took off my good black sandals and slipped into the oversized rubber boots. The boots were meant to protect me from being bitten by rats. They are, as many other goods, things we kept.

„Gloves?“

„Aye.“

When these were also dressed, Father came over and wrapped me in a garbage bag and tied up all open ends.

As always, none of these safeguards were foreseen for him as well. He doesn’t need them he claimed.

After all, he's already an experienced scrap collector.

…. That was also the reason why injuries cannot harm him ..... Lies that I would love to believe.

„Well then. Good hunt dear.“ He said, giving me a kiss on my forehead.

„Good hunt, dad.“

But before I picked up anything. I climbed to the highest point of the pile and let the warmth of the sun warm up my face for a few seconds. It felt so nice being embraced by it.

„I SWEAR CIRI. BE GLAD YOU ARE UNABLE TO SMELL THAT STENCH!!“ Father screamed from the other side of the heap.

„WET DOG?“

„SMEARED IN SHIT!!!“

„I DON’T PITY YOU!!!“

„HEH.“

My lips too formed a smile. Even I wasn’t able to smell it, it it was still fun to paint the scent in my mind.

I grabbed a nearby shovel, sat me on it and let myself slide onto the floor.

 _Time for work._ I thought.

_~o~_

When we reached home, bags full filled with stuff. The first thing father did was enlighten the chandalier.

Our apartment was small. But we didn’t need that much. A living room/kitchen where we spent most of the time learning writing and reading together, a sharedbedroom and a bathroom, was that all we had. A bigger apartment, where I would have an own room, would cost more and that was something wecouldn’t and wouldn’t afford.

Father and I shared a same dream. We wanted to collect enough money for us to be able to move out the underground a start a new beginning above.

To reach our goal, we got a little piggy bank for each one of us where we collected money for citizenship. However money alone wasn’t enough. For us to start really all new, we had to learn how to read, write and calculate. Those are things that are vital to find a good job, father always said. And so he not only forced himself but also me to study regularly.

„What treasures do ya have?“ He asked.

I pulled my sack close and proudly pulled out mypieces. Still with protective clothing on.

„Let me see….a book…metal…shoes…cloth…

still edible food…more metal… a broken watch…

burned candles ... and matches.“

I carefully put all the objects on a white sheet, which was stretched out on the floor.

„Not bad. Not bad. I have……cloth…a winter jacket…guess what - metal… a doorknob?…“

Father's list went on forever. As always, he had collected the most.

„Let me see that book of yours.“

I nodded and handed it over to him.

„Hmmmm…interesting… it seems about the world outside the walls.“ he said, scratching his beard.

„REALLY!?!?!“ I jumped up and quickly ran over to him and looked over his shoulder to admire the old, partly torn sheets.

„Yeah look. According thisbook, the majority of this world is covered mostly in water called the ocean - an ocean full of saltwater. But this is not the only thing. It tells about fire, land made of ice, fields of sand…. I need more time to decipher these letters ... but I believe that is the content.“

My jaw fell down.

„A world covered in water. Does that mean that if we were able to explore the world out there, nobody would have to drink dirty water or die of thirst?“

„Who knows dear. Maybe the water is not drinkable just like ours.“

Father looked up to me and stared a second in my eyes.

„But yes. Maybe.“

I grinned.

„Daddy, once we are able to escape the Underground, I want to explore the world beyond the walls too!!!“

„Hmmm.. for that you’ll have to join the Survey Corps, I guess.“

„The Survey Corps?“

„Mhm. A military branch whom mission is to explore the world.“

„How do they do that? Have they some kind of map or something??“

„I don’t know, honestly.“

„If not, then I want to make one for them!!!“

Father stroked my hair again.

„For that you’ll have to face titans too, dear.“

„What are titans??? What do they look like?“

„I don’t know, dear. But people say they are the reason why we are surrounded by the walls in first place. Apparently they are the greatest danger to humanity. Because they eat us.“

„They eat us?? Why?“ I frowned.

„I don’t know.“

„Hmmm..“

I let myself fall on the ground staring at the chandelier made of candles.

„Dear. Ya wanna keep the book?“

„YEEEES!!!!“ I screamed out.

„Fine. You can have it. Go now and take a shower. You stink.“

„Heh. Wet dog covered in shit?“

„Worse.“ father said, tapping my forehead with his pointing finger.

„Heh.“

„Dear once you are finished I want ya to make a little detour to the bakery. We need bread for dinner.“

„Alone?“ I said and pinched my robe with my hands.

„Yeah.. in the meantime I can clean up the things we bring along today. There are some really good finds here. We can safely sell them.“

„But I’ll have to cross the gate for me to reach the bakery….“

„Do you want me to ask Alphonse if he can go with ya? I just have to knock next door. He will surely be happy to accompany you!“

„NOOOOOO!!! he will only call me a coward again! I go alone! Prepare the money !!"

Father nodded. „But ya’ll head right back home, do you listen? No talk with strangers… no detours…You come right back home!“

„Yes, Dad.“

_~o~_

After showering, I went straight to the bakery. With shaky and spongy feet I crossed the gate all by myself and tried not to look away.

I am not a scared rabbit, I said to myself. And I probably was never as proud of myself as when I left the bakery with the bread in my hands.

My uneasy feeling remained constant, although I felt stronger and more courageous than at the outbound trip.

One foot after the other I set foot in the middle of the streets and listened to women crying softly. The screams of children and the laughter of drunk men.

Once I'm out of here, I'll never have to experience anything like this again. The rich are definitely decent people and know how to behave.

Once I’m out of here, I’ll be able to let my hair grow without to scare my father. I’ll be able to wear beautiful dresses and will take care of my hair in all sorts of hairstyles.

I will deal with people who like and appreciate me. I will definitely go to a lot of celebrations and possibly one day get to know the love of my life. Start a happy family. Be there for them and also explore the world and create a world map.

Yes. That’s how my life will look like once we get out of here.

A quiet sob tore me from my day dreams and I noticed how a boy with raven-black hair crawled down against a wall.

_Don’t talk with strangers._

Fathers voice came through my mind and I was about to listen to the voice. This wasn’t the first and last crying person in my life. This is nothing new, nothing special.

But for some reason my heart ached so much that I stopped in front of the boy. Because this was different.

Most of the time I only heard people crying in the distance ... but he ... he was sitting right in front of me.

„Why are you crying?“ I asked and kneeled down before him.

It took some time for him to get himself together. and at some point he managed to dry off his tears with his clothes that were much too big.

He slowly opened his eyes and a shimmer of metal gun gray eyes looked at me.

I was stunned by the sight. I never saw an eye color like his.

He sniffed again and wiped his snot on his sleeves.

„…I….I…“ he stuttered. „ I...shouldn’t talk with strangers.“

I swallowed. „My name is Cecilia…but you can call me Ciri. What’s your name?“

He hesitated a bit…“Levi…just Levi..“

It was kind of weird that he emphasized this ‚ _Just’_ so much, but I didn't go into it.

„See Levi. We are no longer strangers… so why are you crying?“

He looked at me confused. His black strands hung in his eyes and before answering he pulled them behind his ear. 

I could hear how he as well swallowed.

„I…..I should buy bread for my mom and me…but…but some guys came and beat me up and…stole it from me.“

Tears crept up again and I noticed his scratches on his face and the endless blue stains on the free areas of his skin.

A shiver hit me.

_„Suffering is not a competition. Nobody is saying that life as a boy isn’t as dangerous. It is just…that…being a boy… especially in the Underground has it own….benefits…I guess it is the right way to explain it.“_

_„_ Do you still have something at home?…I mean something to eat?“ I asked and squeezed the bread in my hands.

The boy was quite thin and small ...

He shook his head while I noticed that another dead corps ... also one of a child..was lying just several inches away from us.

„Here, for you and your mom.“ I put our loaf on his lap.

Levi looked at me with horrified eyes.

„But…B…But don’t you need it for yourself?“

„It's not that urgent. You should head home, Levi. I am sure your mother is waiting for you.“

His eyes still fixed mine. They were so beautiful.. _his eyes_ … the stars in the night sky are probably sparkling just as beautifully.

„I have to go as well….See ya.“ I said goodbye and ran home as quickly as possible.

_~o~_

_„_ Dear! Where is the loaf of bread???“ father seemed scared when I got home. „Did someone rob you? Are you alright? Are you hurt?!?!“

„No, I am fine..“

„But…“

Father will definitely scold me now for breaking his most important rule - not to talk to strangers. But I couldn't help but tell him the truth.

„Did I something wrong?“ I asked near my tears.

„Noo..dear…nooo..you didn’t..“He said and kneeled before me.. leaning his forehead against mine.

„Today you were stronger than the most people I know…today.. you did something really good“

„Really? But we have now no bread…and you told me to….“ I sobbed.

„I know what I told ya…and let me repeat it is nothing bad…you just have to know that not all people are as good…some probably will someday take advantage of your good-naturedness. Until you have nothing left. You just have to watch out for that …“

„I am so sorry. Now we have nothing to eat.“ I cried, ignoring his praise.

„Hey..don’t cry.“ He hugged me. „I'll take some money out of my piggy bank and go to the bakeryand buy some bread for us ok? No need to apologize.“

„No…please take something out from my savings.“

„I won’t do such thing Cecilia. Now. Read or do something else till I come back..alright???“

….

_~o~_


	2. Levi

_~o~_

_Levi_

_„_ What a luck that you don’t have to work today, what.“, Alphonse said as he drew on the street a canvas with numbers from 1-10.

„Yeah. Daddy has still to calculate the value of the items. I am not much of a help with that.“

„Did you find something useful? Most of the time you two only find garbage.“ Alphonse scoffed.

„Daddy likes to call them valuable garbage.“

„Garbage is still garbage.“ He rolled his eyes. „Want to start?“

I shook my head. „No. Go first.“

„What about tomboy first?“ Eric threw in and the boys started to laugh as I bit my lips in frustration. Father cut my hair last night as he predicted, leaving me again with my hated boyish haircut.

„Daddy said you guys are mocking me because you are secretly in love with me.“ I said, pressing my fists against my hip. I tried to look confident as possible. Staying tall. Chest out. Shoulders back.

But the laughter only got louder.

„In love?! With you?! You don't even look like a girl! An old, wrinkled grandma is prettier than you!"

My shoulders automatically pulled themselves forward and forced my back to bend a bit.

„Maybe now! But wait! In ten years, when I am allowed to grow my hair! I’ll be a lot prettier!“ I said defeated.

„Oj, Oj. Ciri. Don’t embarrass yourself much more. I’ll piss in my pants!“

„Yeah. Yeah. Like if someone would actually want to marry a ugly girl as you.“

I had to fight with my own tears. Would I dare to let them out, Eric and Alphonse would call me again a weakling. And I didn’t want that…

I actually never liked those two…but they are the only children in my age and with that in my neighborhood. Father felt more comfortable when I was not always at home alone and wanted me to keep friendships as good as possible. In order not to scare him anymore, I played along. Having _„friends.“_

 _„_ Would someone just already start?!“ I said.

„ Fine Fine.I’ll do as you wish your highness….. 7 _!“_ Alphonse screamed as he threw a stone on the canvas.Starting with his right foot he jumped on one feed on number blocks from 1-10 avoiding the number 7.

_~o~_

Levi was hiding behind a wall, corners away where the three children were playing. Eavesdropped them while preparing himself mentally to head towards the group. Giving the girl the loaf of bread he had bought this morning.

He had searched for the girl since then and when he finally found her, he lacked the courage to approach her.

For the young boy was it still a mystery that the girl from yesterday was willing to give him her ration of food without even knowing him. Such manners were unusual in the Underground. People here only look after themselves. However, this girl approached him without even blinking. He was used to such kindness only from his mother. Not from strangers. Although she said, they were no longer strangers.

Ciri. Her name was Ciri.

Levi breathed in and out deeply. If he weren't so nervous, he would have walked over to the group a long time ago. But his legs were shaking miserably and he didn't even know what to say.

 _Here have your bread back?_ No. That sounds rude…. _Thank you for your help yesterday, mom were near tears because of your actions? She is really glad that you did what you did._ No. She'll think we're poor suckers then. More than anyone else in town….

Levi clutched the bread in his hands. What to say?

The bustle slowly faded and it was then that Levi realized that the group of children must have stopped playing. They passed him without realizing that he was sitting near.

Now or never, Levi thought. If he didn't go after the girl now, who knows if he'd ever find heragain. And with that in mind the boy left a huge gap between the friends and himself while following them, still thinking about what he could say.

Mother told that he should thank Ciri in her name and his and that the bread was delicious. But how to phrase such things? He barley talked with anybody else but with his mother . But he wanted to thank her nonetheless. And mother would certainly be disappointed if he came home today and told her that he didn't dare to hand over the bread.

Levi's steps quickened until he was standing behind the red-haired girl.

„Ehm.“ He said as he tapped her shoulders with his fingers. Levi had imagined different scenarios how the girl would react if he suddenly stood in front of her. But that she would be frightened… he didn’t expected that. But as she turned to him, her green beautiful eyes looking at his while her lips formed a little o, she seemed reassured.

Quickly he broke eye contact and bowed, reaching his hands out to handle over the loaf.

He felt how his hairhis forehead tickled. Soon it would be time for mother to cut his hair again. She told him that when he left the house because she had to work.

„Levi?“ She heard her voice say. „Gosh. You scared me. What are you doing here?“

„….take the bread.“

„What?“

„The bread. Take it.“ He answered while his heart was beating ten times faster.

„Who is that laughingstock?“ One of the boys asked.

„He has a name. It’s Levi. Don’t mock him.“ Ciri said and knelt down looking up into Levi's eyes from below.

„Hey. Why want you to give me that?“

Levi pressed his eyes together. Still bending.

„It…It is yours.“

When there was no answer, Levi slowly dared to open his eyes. But again he looked into a sea of green. Ciri had propped herself on the floor with her hands and knees while she still looked up at him.

„No it’s not. It was a gift. You are not supposed to return it.“

„But…but…“ Levi stuttered.

„Oj. Ciri we don’t have time for that. Take that stupid bread and come. “

„Then go without me. I’m coming by.“ her face disappeared from Levi’s sightas she stood up.

„Do what you want, but we’ll take the bread then. Jackpot Eric, guess who is saving money today.“

Levi's bodystarted to shake when he felt a hand trying to tear the bread away from him.

„It is _his_ Alphonse.“

„Pff. As he needs it. Look at him, he is near starving after all.“

„What kind of reason is that you idiot???!!!“ Ciri screamed.

Suddenly the girl took Levi by his hand hand and began to run away. Levi couldn't help but run too. With the bread in her hand, Levi smelled the scent of her hair. It was kind of a mixture between apple and lime. Both types of fruit that can rarely be bought in the Underground.

Levi didn’t know for long they were running or where to. But he didn’t even mind. Her hand felt so warm on his cold fingers.

The way she screamed at her friends because of him. The way she tried to protect him. No one else ever did that for him. Expect his mom.

Ciri stopped when they reached a place where trash was stacks up to a hue. The stench immediately stung Levi's nose. It didn't even help that he tried to cover his nose with both hands. Stench is nothing new to him. But this one was indescribably intense.

„I am sorry. It’s the only place I know they wouldn’t follow. Alphonse was near beating us up. I am not as half as strong as he is but I am faster for that. He he he.“ The red head scratched the back of her head. „Can you endure the smell a little longer? About 15-20 minutes? After that we should be fine and can go safely home.“

Levi nodded and watched at the whole at the ceiling. It was the first time he saw delicate Sunbeams.

„It’s beautiful. Isn’t it?“

He nodded again.

„Come. Hold your nose. I want to show you something.“

Again she grabbed him by one of his hands and led him to one of the walls. Levi’s jaw dropped as he saw different colors dancing on the cold stone wall.

„What is that?“ He asked.

„Father said it is a reflection. I don’t really understands it but he said it is a play from light, shadow and water. When it rains outside and the sun is shining, a rainbow appears.“

„What’s a rainbow?“

„Father said something like that, only bigger.“ she pointed at the wall.

Levi stared at the ceiling.

„How does your father know so much?“

Ciri shrugged with hershoulders. „He reads much.“

„He can read?!“

„Yeah. Well. We want to learn it together so that we are able to live one day above.“

„Oh.“

„Hei Levi?“

„Hm?“

„You shouldn’t walking with food so easily. What if someone robbed you again?“

Levi swallowed. He had also considered the option. But it seemed more important to give her the bread than the fear of being beaten up.

„Because it is yours.“

„That again?! Didn’t I say that a gift should remain a gift?!“

„Food shouldn’t be a gift.“ Levi let his nose out and played with his fingertips. „Even mom said that it was kinda reckless of you to give a stranger bread. But she was glad you did. So…so…thank you.“ He stared at the ground.

He could feel her gaze on him. It made him a little nervous.

„I… Maybe it was. But…“

Levi lifted his head and looked at her.

„We are no longer strangers aren’t we?! So why even lead this discussion.“

Levi let himself fall to the floor and hid his head between his knees. To hide in one hand his smile and in the other his little tears of joy.

Ciri let herself down next to him. He could feel the body heat that she radiated.

„Hei. I’ve been thinking. Do you want us to be friends? Then we can help each other in kind of situations like this. Wacha say? Next time I am short of bread you’ll come to my rescue. Like some kind of hero. And the next time it’ll be my turn again.“

„Is that what friends do?“ Levi muttered between his knees, not knowing how friends behave. He never had one.

„Yeah I guess so. And friends play together, talk together….ehmm…laugh together?“

„Why do want to be my friend?“

„Hmmmm… because…I think I like you.“ Ciri chuckled. „You came along just to pay me back. Even though you knew it was dangerous. Didn’t you?“

„I didn't want you to starve to death because of me.“

„Well look at me. I am not.“

Levi did as said and was greeted by the warm smile of hers. It was just as warm and friendly as mothers.

„Hm. Alright.“

Her smile got wider and it took him by surprise when she embraced her arms around his neck. Rubbing her cheeks against his.

„What are you doing?!“

„I am just happy.“ She whispered in his ear.

„You are a bit weird. Can it be?“ He said lifting one hand of his to her elbow.

„Hehe, maybe I am.“

Levi smiled a bit. She was weird, but a nice person.

„Say. Do you want me to stay with your other friends too?“

„No. We don’t have to. Since we have each other now I guess.“

„Hmm.. good.. because to be honest. I don’t like them much. They seem rude.“

„They doesn’t just seem like it. They actually are.“

Levi didn't answer that. After all, he had already noticed. Nobody should make fun of someone else's hairstyle. Especially not if that person is Ciri.

„Say Levi. What do you smell in this place?“

„What I smell? …. Just an incredibly bad stench that stings in my nose.“

Ciri’s laughter irritated him a bit.

„Fine. I think we can head back now anyways.“


	3. Kuchel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hei guys, I am back with another Chapter :) 
> 
> Before you read:  
> It was really difficult for me to write this chapter. Levi's past is something very intimate and a sensitive subject. Nonetheless, I wanted his past to be a big part of this story. For this reason, the next chapters are more likely to continue to be in the past in the perspective of children. Just as before. The Build up and the rising of the inner conflict, for both Levi and my Oc, are important for the further story. So I hope you stay tuned :) 
> 
> And something else I want to get rid of; I think that Kuchel was always a loving and caring mother towards Levi and that she always wanted to protect him in any case.

_~o~_

_Kuchel_

Silence embraced between Levi and me as we walked the path back. Our steps slowed down and I could notice how Levi was observing the people around him. The corners of his lips pushing downwards.

I couldn’t blame him, my eyes fixed on the horrors of our City as well. The view was terrible. I guess no one ever gets used to it.

„Do you think live above is different than here?“ he asked.

„Father said it is healthier. So yes…and  I think  that the people above are friendlier.“

„Hm."

„Do you want to leave this place too?“

„I don’t know if it is possible.“ Levis grey eyes looked now in a far distance. I couldn’t tell where exactly.

„Why?“

„Don’t you think that all people would have already if it was so easy?“

„Nobody said it is going to be easy. But nobody either said that it is impossible. That’s what father is always saying.“

„Hm.“

„What?“

„You’re father seems like a talkative person.“

I couldn’t help myself but to laugh.

„Yes. He talks a lot when the day is long.“

Levi squinted over at me with his eyes and smiled  slightly . And I adored the sight.

Suddenly  scowling men came towards us,  obviously  gazing at Levi’s loaf of bread. With a creepy smile they approached us and with every step they made my heart stopped beating for a second.

I pressed the dough so much against my chest that I feared that I mashed it. How pathetic.  Just  a day ago I made it home all by myself and now fear is once gain creeping me up. Alphonse and Eric were somehow to handle but what about two grown up men?

I winced when fingers caressed the back of my hand, but calmed down when I realized that it was Levi's. He looked at me  understandingly  before completely grabbing my hand and started running.

„We should go home.“ I said when we stopped. Pressing the loaf on Levi’s chest.

The black head looked down at his feet. His shoes worn out and marked with wholes. It must have hurt to run for so long in them.

„I can’t. At least not now.“

„Why?“

„My mom is still working. She doesn’t want for me to come home until she finish.“

„Oh..“ I answered and watched how black strands fell back into his eyes.

„When are you able to go home?“

Levi pulled a clock out of his pocket. The glass already broken and scratched. But the object still worked.

„When both pointers are pointing at 12.“

My jaw fell down.

„Wow. Your mom seems to  really  work hard.“

Levi nodded. The corners of his mouth pulled down  sharply  again while his eyes began to glisten.

„And much. After work she is  mostly  tired and has no power to do anything. But she tries her best. I know that. We'll eat something before she tells me a good night's story and then we go to bed together. There are days when we do laundry and clean our place only to play together afterwards too. But unfortunately that is only possible if she has a day off or is not expecting any customers.“

I wondered what kind of customers he meant, but it was a question that I could ask another time too.

„What are you doing when she is working?“

„I am wandering around. Buy us something to eat. Wait.“

I felt niggeling. The little pointer was just pointing at two ... that meant Levi had to wait another 5 ... 8 ... or  maybe  even more several hours to be able to go home.

„Hei Levi, when you are wandering around during this time… wouldn't you prefer to wait at my place??? Then maybe we can play something ... My father would definitely not mind.“

Levi rubbed his eyes with the ball of his hands.

„…I..I don’t know.“

„Well..I make the choice for you. You’ll come with me. I’ll definitely won’t let you stay here alone anymore.“

And with that I grabbed his hands as we headed home. It quite became a routine, didn’t it?

~o~

„DAD I AM HOME!!!“ I screamed as I entered the living room.

„WELCOME BACK!!!“ Fathers voice shouted back from our bedroom.

„Oj. Come in. It is alright.“ I said and pulled on Levi's sleeves, who was hiding behind the open door and refused to enter.

„Whom are you talking to, Darling?“ Father came out of the room and wiped his ink-streaked hands with a towel.

„I brought a friend along. Can he stay until both pointers are on 12?“ I nudged Levi  gently  on his shoulder with my elbow.

„Wait..you mean till midnight? Who is your friend?“

„I’m Levi, Sir.  Just  Levi.“ Finally did he managed to show up. But I didn’t understand why he bowed in front of my father.

„I..I..don’t want to be a burden. I can go…thank you….I..-„

I gave Father a sharp look and luckily he understood my thoughts immediately.

„Nice to meet you, Levi. I am Roran Lockheart.“ Father knelt down in front of him and put both hands on his shoulders.

„You’re not a burden. Stay.“ He smiled.

Levi stared at him with open mouth in amazement. He was  probably  looking for the right words in his head.

„I…I…I..“ He stuttered.

„His mother is working. He would have waited alone the whole time till she  is done . So I invited him to our place.“

„I see.“ Father stood up and pinched my cheek.

„Sir!“ Levi screamed and bowed again.

„Ciri gave me a loaf of bread yesterday .. I would like to give it back. Please accept it!“

I bit in my lips. He is quite stubborn, isn’t he. I couldn’t miss fathers eyes on me.

„Thank you Levi.“ He said and took the bread out of his hands. It was one of this moments where I  just  wanted to scream at him. Yet father wasn’t dumb. And he proved to me once again.

„I  just  made a soup earlier. It tastes for sure a thousand times better with the bread. Let's eat. You both look like you could take something.“

Levi stood there like frozen. „I…I can’t accept…I..“

„Yes you can.“ I said and pulled him to the dinning table.

I could tell that Levi was uncomfortable. His whole body was  suddenly  tense as was his face. His fingers played  nervously  with each other and he kept twitching his feet on the ground.

„So how old are you Levi?“ Father asked him when he began so serve the plates on the table.

„6.“ He answered so quiet that I had a hard time even hearing him.

„Ooooh. Then you are in the same age as Cecilia here.“

Levi's eyes were screaming for help in my direction.

„What does the soup smell like?“ I said to change the topic.

Father leaned over and sniffed.

„Well I put potatoes in it so it smells kinda like potato. But how does a potato smell hmmmm…It's earthy yet a bit sweet."

„Earthy?“ I frowned with my eyes. „What does this mean?“

Father winced  briefly  . „Oh  just  a word a gathered from a book.“ He began to scratch nervous his head.

„Yeah. But how do you know how it smells like?“

„Aaaah. Cecilia I am sooo hungry. Let’s  just  eat, alright?!“

I got a little nervous. Levi will now think we have a total roof damage in our brain. But when I looked over at him I could see that the corners of his mouth had pulled up again.

I let out a relieved breath.

„What can you smell?“

He fixed his gaze on me.

"Why should I explain if you can't smell it either way, can you?“

He noticed.

„HEY THAT IS PART OF THE JOKE.“

I hated that I couldn’t hide my face at the moment. I am for sure red as blood right now.

„Oh. Then I am  just  not able to understand the joke, I am sorry.“

I bit in my lips again, till it hurted.

„Did I say something wrong?“

Levi's mouth drew a straight line, his eyes filled with sparkling water again. I regretted immediately my rough behavior.

„No. No..it is alright.“ I said and spooned my soup.

„Can you taste?“

I shook my head.

„Oh.“ Levi looked for a while at the soup before also taking a spoon. „Uh…it feels warm and it leaves a good feeling in my throat .. uh .. it tastes like ..ehm.. something  really  wonderful.“

Now it was time for my eyes to  slowly  fill with burning water. I hated that feeling.  Every time I had to cry, my lungs and heart burned and it was hard to keep my eyes open as the water completely blurred my vision .

„Thank you Levi.“

„No….I have to thank you…“

„You guys are so cute.“

I looked at father, who watched us with a big wide grin in his face.

~o~

Before midnight struck, we took Levi home. Father gave him a pair of shoes he had found in the trash and they fitted his feet  perfectly . Now walking shouldn’t cause him any pain anymore.

As usual, my father took my hand when we walked somewhere late at night. In order for Levi not feeling cut out, I searched for his too. It was safer after all. There are more drunk men lounging around this time.

Luckily Levi didn't pull his hand back and let me hold it, till we reached his place.

„We are here.“ He said. The black haired boy had navigated us until we were at his place.

I admired the big house he  was supposed  to live in. It was huge with several floors. Did he and his mother live here all alone? How could they afford the rent for such a big house?

„Uh…Levi. You are living here?“ Father stared aghast at the house too.

„Yeah.“

I could hear Father gulp as he squeezed my hand tight. What was his problem? The house looked beautiful, didn't it? And loud music boomed from inside. His mother already seems to be in the evening mood.

„I see.“

Levi turned in front of us and bowed. „Thank you for everything.“

When Levi was ready to go in, my father stopped him and knelt in front of him. His hands once again embracing Levi’s shoulders.

„Levi. If you want we can pick you up tomorrow before your mother starts to work. What do you say? You are welcome to spend your time with us, every time your mother works. This is not a problem for us at all. Isn't it Ciri?“

„Yeah!“ I screamed  happily . „Please say yes!!“.

„Uh…“ Levi stared at the ground.

„Discuss this with your mother beforehand. She is welcome to get to know us if she would prefer. And if she agrees, you can  really  be with us during this time.“

„Yeah. Ok.“ Levi rose his head. A little smile formed on his lips.“

Father nodded, gave him a hug and ruffled threw his hair.

„You’re a good boy. See you tomorrow then.“

Levi nodded  energetically  and waved to me before he ran home.

When father turned around I saw small tears rolling down his eyes.

„Dad?“

He didn't say anything but also took me  tightly  in his arms.

„Hey, what’s wrong?“

He sighed.

„You may understand once you get older.“

„I hate it when you’re saying things like that.“

„I know, darling. I know.“

~o~

Smelly smoke penetrated Levi's nose as he turned the doorknob and entered the anteroom of the brothel .

„Levi. Hon’. You’re back.“ A lady with her hair pulled back came up to him and gave him a disgusting smeary kiss on his cheek.

„Yeah.“

Levi turned his head to check if the owner was here. He was. But the bald man slept on his counter. His breath smelling of alcohol. Levi approached him and tapped his head until he woke up.

„Argh. Brat. Didn’t I told you not to wake me?!“

Levi ignored him.

„Is mom done for today?“

„Yeah. Yeah. Now piss of my sight, boy.“

The boy nodded and tried to sneak through the turmoil, trying to not  being recognized by  other women.  Fortunately  , most of them were busy with their customers anyway that they didn't even notice .

When Levi finally reached the stairs that led to his room, he started to run, hardly waiting until he could finally snuggle into his mother's arms .

„I’m home.“

His mother, who was in bed, straightened up and gave him a warm smile.

„Welcome back, Levi.“ She said and was to get up.

„You don’t need to stand up.“

„Of course I do. I missed you.“ Kuchel knelt on the floor and stretched her arms out.“

Levi didn’t hesitate a second and ran to embrace her.

„I missed you too.“he said, his nose pressing against her clothes. She smelled of lavender. Levi loved this scent.

Kuchel  gently  ruffled threw his hair and gave him a kiss on his cheek.

„What do you have with you?“ She asked pointing at the sack Levi held in his right hand.

„Oh. It’s a soup with bread.“

„Huh? Where did you get it from?“

Levi sat on the lap of his mother and let her cuddle him while he told what happened today.

„…Sure you can. If you want to.“

„You are alright with it?“

Kuchel stroked his cheek.

„More than alright. I am glad you managed to make a friend.“

„Hmpf.“ Levi smiled. „Me too.“ He turned and clutched his hands around his mothers throat.

„Do you want to meet them?“

„I don't want anything more than that. Tell me about her.“

„Ciri?“

„Yeah.“

„She is  just  as nice as you.“

„Ah. Is that so?“

„But a little weird too. She always asks how things smell.“

Kuchel giggled. „Be nice Levi. Do you hear?“

„I am!“ He defended himself.

„Alright. I want you to be a gentlemen“

„What’s a gentlemen?“

„Hmmmm..how should I explain. A chivalrous, courteous and honourable man.“

„ I think  I can be someone like that.“

„I am sure you can. Now Levi. It’s time we cut your hair. Your bangs are falling non stop in your eyes. Let’s make you handsome again. Like a real gentleman.“

„But aren’t you tired?“

„I am never too exhausted for you.“ Kuchel said and kissed him again on his cheeks.

~o~

Father fidgeted  restlessly  on one leg on the other as we waited for Levi's arrival. He acted odd since last night and he  just  didn’t wanted to tell me what bothered him.

When we got home he said weird things like, that he would never visit this place again and that he  just  couldn't reconcile that with his conscience and that he made a lot of stupid things which he wouldn't explain to me .

When I asked if he had visited Levi's mother before, he turned blood red and yelled at me. Something he didn’t done ever before.

He was unbearable in this composure.

For this reason I was more than relieved when I saw Levi finally leave the house with his mother. Without even looking at Father, I ran to meet them.

„Good morning!“ I said with a smile and hoped that my insecurity would not  be noticed .

„Good morning, you must be Ciri. Levi told me a lot about you.“

Levi's mother had the same raven-black hair as him and a face that was like an angel. I had never seen such a beautiful woman in my life before.

Levi stared at the floor and I noticed that he was blushing  slightly  around his cheekbones.

I didn't  really  know how to react in a situation like this, so I reached out my hand to her.

„Y…Yes, My name is Cecilia Lockheart. N..Nice to meet you.“

She  lovingly  cupped my hands and knelt in front of me and greeted me with a smile.

„Nice to meet you too. I am Kuchel,  just  Kuchel. Thank you for taking care of Levi. I am  really  grateful.“

I gave Levi the same looking for help he sent me yesterday. Yet, he didn’t received my soft cries for help.

„Y…You…Are you an Angel?“

She looked at me confused and I regretted my choice of words for a brief moment. Did I say something stupid now? Because Levi looked at me  crookedly  too.

But Kuchel immediately broke the uncomfortable silence between us with a hearty laugh.

„Do you see any wings at my back?“

„Not all angles have wings. Some hide them so as not to irritate other people.“

„How do you know?“

„I…I read something like that in a book.“

„Oooh.. But then you are also an angel. Because you're  just  as pretty. Levi thinks so too, don’t you?“ She turned to his son.

Levi took a strand of his hair and tried to hide behind it. It was the moment when I noticed that his hair was shorter.

„You both are talking weird stuff. Stop it.“

„Oh, I'm sorry Hon’.“

I turned to see where father was. His face  was frozen  to ice. And he didn't move an inch.

„This is my father, by the way. Roran Lockheart. But  I think  he's stunned by your beauty too, Kuchel.“ I pointed to him to so that the flames of shame finally melt his ice.

"Oh, nice too meet you too Mr. Lockheart. Thank you for offering to take care of my son. I hope he doesn't cause you any trouble.“

Finally he moved.

„It is not worth mentioning. Our children became friends. We as parents should be a little courteous here.“

„Yeah.  I think  so too.“ Kuchel smiled.

„Bye mom.“ Levi said,  clearly  annoyed by the small talk and gave the woman a kiss on her cheeks.

„See you later. Be nice, alright?“

„Always.“

~o~

Roran was never a man who prayed. Yet, since yesterday he couldn’t stop but to beg the gods that he is not the father of this kid.

Relief washed through his body when he saw Levi come out with another woman. Levi's mother wasn't the woman he usually booked.

But that didn't make his anger at himself any less.  On the contrary . In another world he could have been the father or he even has a child with a woman he didn't know about.

How could he ever explain such a thing to Cecilia?  Or even worse, what if she becomes a part of this place herself, which he has been visiting  regularly  since her mother left him for someone else .

Until recently, he had blandish his actions. He always thought that a lonely man  is allowed  to visit a brothel. What's the matter with it, he thought. But he was too selfish and too stolid to ever think that he could father a child without knowing. A child who then had to grow up in such a place. It was almost a miracle that Levi didn't know him by sight. But he himself had never seen the boy before. But what if… how would he have explained that to Cecilia ?!

No..he can’t...he can’t go there anymore.


	4. Kenny

_~o~_

_Kenny_

Several years passed. And just as agreed, Levi came to our place regularly. The highlight of these days together were probably those in which Levi was allowed to stay over night. On these evenings we built often a small tent out of sheets and chairs in the living room and stayed there all night and told each other stories. Some corresponded to the pure truth and some in turn arose from our pure imagination.

It was in times like this when I was happiest and the desire to get on the surface became less and less until it was just a small thought in my brain.

Father, on the other hand, was still really obsessed with our plans and continued to save a lot of money. Since I couldn't be happy with the thought that I would leave Levi behind,should we move one day, I had invested in piggy banks for him and Kuchel as well. However, he didn't know about it because he might just have gotten angry with me.

Unfortunately, the happy days did not count for long. Because at some point, Kuchel fell ill and was released from her job.

We all worried about her, but Levi most of all. He had said that he would now like to stay with his mother to support her. Both in household and in shopping obligations. For this reason, we only saw each other very rarely. Since Levi was never allowed to accept visitors, I could not visit Kuchel nor Levi myself. Levi had always only given me small reports about her prosperity when he did have time for a meeting.

But time passed and I saw Levi less and less. And so, like in the beginning, father and I were all alone again.

„Good hunt, darling.“

„Good hunt, dad.“ I answered on the top of the mountain made of trash. As always, the sun caressed my face gently.

„Don’t you want to know what it smells like?“

I shook my head. „How long has it been father? 4 months? When will Kuchel get well again?“

Father let a desperate sigh out. „I don’t know honey. Only the doctor can tell.“

„I haven’t seen her since then. And Levi about 3 weeks. I begin to worry a little. He usually would show up at least at the weekends. Why am I not allowed to visit them? They would definitely be happy to have some soup.“

„Haven't we had this discussion several times? Kuchel doesn't want you to come around. You have to accept that, Cecilia.“

„But Levi.“

„He is fine, Darling. And please, don’t worry too much. Everything will be alright.“

Although I had a bad feeling and felt like crying all the time. I trusted my father. He hadn't lied to me once. Why should it this time? Kuchel will get well again. Most certainly. And maybe she can change her job so that she doesn't get sick so quickly.

I took a shovel and slid down the hill. In the past, when Levi came along too, we would always held a race. The one who got down first was the winner. And the loser always had to carry both sacks full of objects home.

I missed those times.

_I missed him._

_~o~_

_„_ I am back.“

„Welcome back….Did you buy the bread?“

„…Yeah. Where is the doctor?“

Levi looked at his mother. She got quite thin these past weeks. Her face totally sunken in. One could already see the cheekbones on her face. Nonetheless, she still managed to smile.

Levi wondered how she was able to do so. He had long forgotten.

„He already left…I’m much better already. So he said today would be my last check-up.“

She lied. Levi could see it in her eyes. Every time his mother lied, she does this weird thing with her eyebrows. But for the sake of her love, he said nothing and snuggled into bed with her.

Her once warm skin was already totally cold and with every touch, Levi meant that he could break something. But Levi refused to cry, even when his heart shattered by the sight. He didn't want to do it for his mom's sake. It would only make her sad. He knew it. And anything else was better than seeing his mama sad.

„Mom.“He pressed his nose against her clothes and enjoyed her scent and the caress on his head. "

"I should cut your hair soon, shouldn't I? They are hanging in your face again.“

„It doesn’t bother me.“

„Liar.“ Kuchel said gently.

Levi pressed his lips together. Who's the liar here? She has not been able to get up for a week. Ate very little. And her coughing fits got worse and longer with every passing minute. And then did she have the nerve to say that she was on the mend?

Levi had to hold back his tears with all his might. Weakness is not the order of the day.

„I'm going to do the laundry.“ He said instead and pushed himself away.

„Levi?“

„Yeah?“

„I am really grateful for your help. But you should also have a day off. When was the last time you met Ciri? She would definitely be happy about a visit and you -„

„- I am not going to leave you alone.“ Levi cut her off as quickly as possible.

Sure. Of course he could have fun. But the thought of leaving his mother alone filled him with fear. What if he comes back and her eyes don't open anymore?

…He could never forgive himself for leaving her alone.

Kuchel tried to hide her worries with a smile.

„Do as you wish, Honey. But you don’t have to worry about me. It’s a mother’s job to take care of her child, not the other way around. So please, take a day or two off.“

_Your such a bad liar, mom._

„I am going to do the laundry, mom. See ya.“

…

When Levi finished doing the laundry, his mother was sound asleep. In order not to wake her up, he tiptoed and tried to prepare the meal as quietly as possible.

„Mom. Get up. The meal is ready.“ He said after a while.

But Kuchel did not react to his words or to his touch.

„Mom?“

Levi softly poked her cheek.

„Oj. Get up.“

Warm tears filled his eyes when his body started to shake uncontrollably.

„Mom. Please. Get up.“

The first pearls of tears slowly rolled down his cheeks. 

„Mom. Please.“ He begged.

But Kuchel didn't respond.

He held his head against her chest and tried to feel her heartbeat. However, it could no longer be heard.

But he didn't give up. He carefully opened her mouth and held his hand in front of it. But again he couldn't hear nor feel the breath of his mother.

Levi fell to the floor and tried with all his might to calm his shaky body down. But he didn't make it. The tears just flowed like a waterfall.

At some point he was too tired to cry until he felt nothing just the cold as his body froze.

And his mother was no longer there to comfort him ...

_~o~_

_„_ I’m going out, dad.“

„For what?“

„Bread.“

Father looked at me for several seconds. He was just about to determine the value of his goods again.

„We have bread.“

I bit in the right corner of my lip.

„Yeah. We. But…“

Father sighed.

„I can't change your mind, am I right? You'll be annoying me until you've seen him?“

I nodded.

„But Kuchel.-„

„I promise that I will not stay long and that I will not bother them! I just…I just…“

„You can’t. How often should I say that?“ Said father firmly.

„WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?! DON’T YOU CARE ANYMORE ABOUT LEVI AND KUCHEL?!“

„I do..but the place where there are living in…“

„What about it? You haven't wanted to tell me for years. W h a t' s wrong?!“

"I don't have to justify myself to you! As long as you live under my roof, you live under my rules, do you understand?"

No.

No. I didn’t understand. What was wrong with the place? Why wasn’t I allowed to see them? Why is it wrong that I worry about them? I haven’t seen them for a quite a while…all that I want is just to check on them…I was afraid..I was afraid that…

Father had turned away from me again and was concentrating on his work again. As long as he's awake, I haven't had a chance. I stared at my hands. I had never lied to Father before, nor did I ever evade him. But ... I couldn't wait any longer. Something was wrong.

So I decided to wait until my father fell asleep and then secretly visit Levi.

When the time had finally come and Father was snoring in his sleep, I tried to sneak silently out of the covers of the bed and got dressed.

I tried to block out everything around me. The human. The street animals. The screams. The arguing ones. The dead. Just everything.

My focus was just getting to Levi's house as soon as possible and when I finally got there I couldn't believe my eyes. Several people came in and outas they pleased. It was strange. Why were others allowed to visit them but I wasn't? Didn't they like me anymore?

I just had to know and that's why I gathered all my courage and entered the house.

And there were more people there than expected. All adults. Men and women pecking at each other.

They smoked. Smooched and all apparently loved each other very much. The women were only lightly clothed while the men gazed at them with strange eyes.

What is this place I asked myself?

„Oj. Old man. Where can I find Kuchel?“ I heard a deep men's voice say.

I quickly searched for the source of the voice. Maybe if I followed it, I could find Levi and Kuchel more quickly.

„My, My. What we have here?! A child. What is a child doing here?! A slightly stronger lady with a lot of paint and jewelry on her face came up to me and pinched my cheeks.

„Eh. Eh. Eh. I am looking for someone.“

„In a brothel? This is not a place for a kid like you.“

„A what? No. This is Levi’s and Kuchel’s home. I am looking after them!“

„Levi? Oh my sweet boy. Haven’t seen him for a quite a while. Poor boy. His mother got sick and…“ I could barely make out the rest of the words. They were so indistinct. I wanted to find out more. But definitely not from her.

„Oj. Old man. I am asking you one more time. I am looking for Kuchel.“

The man's voice came out again.

„I ..I am sorry ..I …“

I didn't even finish my sentence and ran away to looked for the source of the voice.

_What kind of place do you live in Levi?_

_„_ Oh, sorry Sir. Yikes. Kuchel? Yikes. Oh..if yer talking about Olympia…she ain’t for sale any longer. Someone got’er sick a while back.“

For sale? Why was Kuchel for Sale? And why was this man calling her Olympia?

„Like I care you Maron. Just tell me where I can find her.“

„He he he. You’re one of that kind, I see. B8723.“

„All I wanted.“ The man said.

„OJ!!! YOU NEED TO PAY!!!“

„Tch.“ The tall man turned and took the back of the hairless man's head and pegged him against the counter. „Watch out wacha say you rotten rat. Next time you’ll get away with more than a concussion.“

I froze in shock. This man was dangerous. However, I had to follow him.

…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ouch. Writing this Chapter hurted..


	5. Memories without colors

_~_

_Memories without colors_

„Woah. Woah. Woah. ….Ya seem to have…lost a lot of weight..Kuchel.“

„She’s dead.“

„And you? Are _YOU_ dead?“

..

„Whoa, gimme a break. Ya understand me, right? What’s your name?“

„Levi…just Levi..“

„I see Kuchel..…guess you’re right…it’s not worth telling me your name…I’m Kenny. Just Kenny….I…I knew Kuchel. Nice to meet ya.“

_This words and pictures from back then burned into my mind like acid.I saw you sitting there. Emaciated. Almost without life. It hurted and I hated myself for not being able to protect you from this fate._

….

_The man who wanted to visit Kuchel turned out to be someone she knew at the time. I didn't know more. Except for his name. Kenny. For whatever reason he saw it as his calling to take care of you. Although I wished for nothing more than that we would have taken you into our family. As time passed the wish and the regret grew bigger, since you’ve…changed. Changed a lot._

_You began to swing around with knives. Hurt people. Getting yourself into fights. Come around with blood smeared around your face. Began to use terrible choice of words. …Began to avoid me, when you realized I didn’t want to follow the path you chose._

_Not once did you call me out for being weak. Forced me to train hand-to-hand combat with you. Wanted to teach me how to hold a knife properly. But I refused at this time. It was just something I couldn't identify with. And you hated me for that._

_„You’re going to die like that. Only the strong survive in this world. All you need is power - as long as you got that…you won’t end like my mother. I won’t end like my mother.“_

_I could understand your grief, but power isn’t everything. However, you didn’t believe me. And I also knew where it came from. Kenny. While you started to despite me for being weak. I despited Kenny for turning you into this self. He might took care of you, taught you how to survive. But you slowly got eaten away by a darkness worse than the Underground and Kenny let that happen and had the big balls to leave you again when you needed him the most. And all I could do was watching you from a distance, while you pushed me further and further away._

_My place in your heart.. in your live.. slowly disappeared. Just within a blink of an eye._

_The last time I saw you was a moment, a memory without any colors. Yet pictures of it burned into my mind and every time I lie down in my bed, trying to get some rest, those pictures come back and hunt me in my dreams._

_It was the day when Father died. His legs got worse and he couldn’t move anymore. Something I wished to talk about with you. But this wish stayed just a simplewish._

_We collected further money for the surface and as we were near our destination, we got robbed. The thieves who attacked took all money and left father and me back in the flames they’ve set._

_I still feel the hot wax of the candles run down my back. Leaving ugly scars behind. I thought this was the end. That I am going to die. But you came and saved me. However, for father was it long to late. And you…you left also again with this look of disgust in your eyes._

_…_

_God was dead. Dead to begin with._

_Romance was dead. Poetry, painting, literature, music and theater. All Dead. And art was dead. Surrealism and realism were dead. Decency, society, family, values. Dead._

_The past dead. History dead. Hope dead. Dreams dead. Despair dead. Fiction and truth, both dead. Politics, our Kingdom. Dead._

_Love was dead, death was dead. Great many things were dead._

_As was Kuchel. As was father. As was my friendship with you._

_Nothin’ was the same._

_…_

_Darkness didn’t stop at my feet. No. It pulled everything away from me. All that I had was gone. It was the time when I realized that I was just a stupid girl. With stupid dreams. Who never learns as I made the same mistakes over and over again. Turning me into something..someone..I never wanted me to be._

_But something pushed me to keep moving forward. Love?.. Fear?…No.It was survival that motivated me. It is an instinct we all have when we set it free, I suppose._

_…_

_We grew up in a place where darkness followed everywhere. A place where the warmth of the sun barley reached our slik innocent skin. Coated by a cave, we only knew the cold rocks that reached up to the veil. Separating us from the outside world._

_The City of Darkness offered no opportunities. Few jobs, less payment. People grasped for all that they could get._

_Inconsistency, hunger, thirst, cold. This was our everyday routine._

_Few called themselveslucky to have a roof over their head. More cursed their lives for having to sleep on the filthy, pissed and full of excrement streets. Waiting until death finally release them from suffering._

_People helplessly became victims of their own dignity. It either meant die or survive. Even ifsurviving led for some to crime. There was simply no other way to feed themselves and their families. I do understand now._

_It is funny in a way. The comedy show was at it’s peak when I did all those things you tried to teach me back then. But I was blind. If I got it earlier…quicker-… I sometimes wonder if I would have been worth staying by your side. How would our lives look like? What would we do?_

_If someone outside would ask if the people in the Underground knew what they are doing was wrong; probably everyone would answer with yes; But what to do? Is the wish of living a sin?_

_However, we still called this place our home. Although it never felt like one. Not once dreamed we of escaping. Building a happy life above._

_Where the rich and healthy one are living. Be able to feel the warmth of the sun on our tickling skin on a daily basis, isn’t that right Levi?_

_I did things I am not proud of to achieve this. And I made it even without you. I made it. All alone. I wonder, would you look at me with these silver eyes of yours and tell me again straight forward that I am a weak person in your opinion? That I am to be hated? Disgusting? What would you say to me? After all it’s been 10 years since we last met._

_I would probably say that hearing your name doesn’t hurt anymore. That I was able to keep moving forward. Yet, that I was thinking of you every second passing, praying for your well-being. Even when a part of me began hate you, there was always a spark that loved you. Cared for you._

_But Time change. People change. And I really never dared to think of seeing you again. And the choice of just saying nothing occurred to me as the best one in that moment._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter was not too confusing ;-;


End file.
